Hello and welcome to my Groundhog Day.
Over the years I have posted about this on social media (and then on my blog) a lot and I mean A LOT. I actually worry that I am bugging people with it. I used to think Phoebe in Friends used to beat people over the head with her mothers suicide and, now, I have become the Phoebe!
Do you know what though? I get it and I am not ashamed.
The last couple of years have been a funny one (not funny haha) with it as I’ve been really putting out there and trying to convince goodness knows who, probably me, that I am getting over it and that the grieving is done and that it doesn’t effect me anymore. What a load of tosh!
It’s early days in therapy really and I am already realising how much more work I have to do on working out who I am and why. This is not all centred around my mothers illness and suicide but a large amount of my struggles are. I guess I’ve always known that really but I’ve been ashamed to admit it because it makes me feel disloyal to my mothers memory.
The fact is that I do feel disloyal and guilty. I feel it every time something goes right in my life, every time I smile, every time I am happy ‘just because’. I feel it when I can’t properly remember her voice, when I am angry at her for bailing out, when I am at a low point in my life and I find myself considering what she chose. I’ve been told that it is probably a bit of survivors guilt, amongst other things..
I always say that you never get over something like this, you just learn to live with it and so far, that is what I have done. I am proud of that fact. But, now, with the help of therapy and loved ones, I am re-learning how to live with it. With less guilt!
I’m not really sure what the ‘point’ of this post is but I had an urge to write down how I feel on this day this year. It’s become a bit of a tradition and I guess there are a few reasons; raising awareness of what life after a suicide is like (hopefully), showing that you can get help and get passed issues (hopefully) and giving a bit of a real world vent.
Not everyone that practices self love is ‘positive vibes only’ sometimes we also sit in our PJ’s all day and feel like shit!
If you are vibing with my Groundhog Day ad want to read more posts about it then you can (I will list them below). Also, it is okay if you do vibe with posts like this. I certainly do and that is why I am sharing these.
It’s better to read about it and find out how it makes the people left behind feel than to sit with the curiosities until they seem vaguely appealing.