Why I don’t want to feel too stable in lock-down

I feel like I have nothing to say at the moment, do you?

That’s not to say that I actually have nothing to say but my feeling is that my life has paused. There is not much that is new going on, therefore there is not much new to talk about. Sound familiar?

I feel drained from living the same days on repeat and feel like I have nothing to say

That is actually a line from my last blog post, the sentiment remains the same for me while the world around me just seems to be getting more far fetched and ridiculous. That is my honest opinion.

I have thoughts, feelings and opinions on what is happening right now but, I have to be honest, I am SICK of talking about COVID. Not because it’s not important, it is. It’s because I really don’t know enough and there are far too many conflicting ‘facts’ out there for me to feel confident in what to look at. I am not an expert so am not willing to write a blog post or start chatting away about it on my social media. I don’t see how that would be helpful to anyone.

So, I am back to feeling like I have nothing to say. Except, I do have stuff to say; it’s just that none of it feels relevant.

I know that people are dying, I do, and I care. Maybe too much sometimes.

However, I don’t feel like I can go on like this much longer. Before this all kicked off, I had grieving to do. It’s still there. I had work to do. It’s still there. I had a hen do to prepare for. That’s gone. I had a wedding to plan. Am I allowed to do that?

We have politicians that can’t even follow their own rules while the majority of the rest of us are staying away from almost everyone we know and love. I personally think that this rule breaking is because it’s gone on for too long after starting too late. Even the people who created the rules are finding that it’s not so easily done.

Don’t come at me about that though, like I say, there are too many ‘facts’ around.

A few days before the Lock-down started in the UK I wrote a blog post that I never actually published. I wrote about how I was finally starting to feel stable and how this felt quite unsafe to me. I felt like this stability was a risk to whether I’d be ‘allowed’ to continue therapy (spoiler: when you pay for private therapy you can pretty much continue for as long as you like). I also felt like the stability was a risk to my writing. Go figure!

Now, I feel like I am settling into the stability of this lock-down but it’s not really what I want.

I don’t want to keep feeling like my sporadic walks/ visits to the supermarket is ‘enough’. I don’t want normal to mean feeling guilty for seeing someone I know in the street and having a brief chat with them from a 2m distance when all I really want to do is hug them and walk somewhere with them. Anywhere. With no worries about how many others are there. I don’t want for normal life to be coordinating video calls with loved ones and feeling like that’s enough.

It’s not enough.

I honestly want my old worries and problems back because at least they were personal to me and I knew at least 80% of the facts!

Mostly, without getting too political, I want the government to admit they have been wrong about certain things and find a better way to manage lifting the lock-down before half the country turns into revolutionists and the other half becomes agoraphobic!

I don’t personally think that Covid-19 is a ploy to control the planet. I really don’t.

I just would rather not see a government flounder over next steps.

I’d rather feel like there is someone out there who knows enough of the facts to be able to get us out of this situation safely.

Is that too much to ask?


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