A phone call changes everything

Apologies that it’s been a while since I wrote about my stories that led me to self love. As you may have seen, I went on a life changing holiday.

We left off with me having to make a really hard choice to be signed off work with depression. After being signed off with depression, I had a couple of weeks where I didn’t want to leave the house. It wasn’t agoraphobia but shame.

I’d already lost around a stone just from being depressed but it didn’t feel enough. I was now certain, with what I saw as medical evidence, that my weight must be the reason for anything that’s ever gone wrong in my life. I convinced myself that if I could just lose 2 more stone that I’d feel fine again. I would no longer feel like I was failing at work, I would no longer feel that I was already starting to fail Graeme and my confidence would soar!

So, I joined a club- slimming world. To be fair to the consultant, she did ask if I was sure that I really wanted to lose 2 stone. But, she didn’t try very hard to help me set a more realistic target. Or tell me that my weight was perfectly healthy and ask if I was sure I wanted to join!

It got to the point that I only went out for one of four reasons- 1) Slimming world, 2) the gym, 3) food shopping for basically just vegetables and muller lights, 4) to see Graeme.

One weekend, Roxy was in London and invited me out. I was fully prepared to miss out on seeing one of my best friends because I was scared drinking would make me gain weight but my flat mate convinced me that I should get out and have fun. I’d barely eaten that day so got drunk very quickly. By the time we got to the penthouse apartment I was staying the night in with Roxy and her friends, I was sure that I was in the way and everyone there hated me. Obviously not the case.

I ended up stood on the edge of the roof top terrace just looking over at the road below. I had a thought that I could just jump. Usually these intrusive thoughts go instantly but not this one. This one grew and lingered. I don’t know how long I was stood looking down, thinking about jumping- probably just a couple of minutes but it felt like eternity. I caught myself on with these thoughts and tried to call Graeme, his phone was on silent so he missed me but did call back when he saw. In the meantime, I knew I needed help so I tried Hannah. She answered.

Hannah talked with me and cried with me while saying how glad she was that I’d called and not jumped.

Looking back, I don’t think I would have jumped, I think I was just scared and wanted someone to hear me and understand how I felt.

Hannah and Graeme convinced me to book an emergency appointment at the doctors so I did and got given antidepressants and signed off for longer. I started to talk to a counsellor but didn’t feel like I was healing. I felt like even more of a failure.

In the months that followed, my course of counselling sessions ended and travelling to stay with Graeme in Newcastle became the norm. As we had been together a year and a half, we decided that I should move back to Newcastle and live with him permanently.

 

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Lovely smile but dead behind the eyes

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