An open love letter to my 19 year old self

Tonight’s blog is a bit unexpected, even for me. I just started writing this morning and, after a few days of deep reflection, this came out.

It feels really personal to share but I genuinely believe that we all need to be loving our past, present and future selves this much.

I am hoping that this helps you in some way.

Dearest Becky,

I know what you’re going through, all of it, because I’ve been where you are. I am you.

I know that you are thinking that this world, this life, is not for you. I know how much it hurts to wake up every day and how frequently you wish you wouldn’t.

I’m here to tell you that it gets better, it has gotten better. I am in our shared future and I am so proud of you for hanging on in there. I love you so much, darling girl. So much that I am healing our past.

I know you’ve not long lost mam in the most awful way, I’ve lived the nightmares with you and was there when you woke up screaming over the images that your mind conjured up.

You’re about to go through a hell of a lot more, there will be people who will abuse you and there are people who you will not treat right either. There will be personal struggles with depression, attempted suicide and disordered eating. There will be pain and there will be uncertainty. There is a long way to go with your guilt and grief over Mam.

There will be so much thrown at you that makes you question your place in the world, but, you have always had the ability to find the good. You keep doing that because you have no idea what it’s leading you towards.

Every tear, every ounce of pain, all of the doubt, everything passes. Everything.

You are 19 and no matter how grown up you think you are, you have such a long way to go.

I will be there leading you, I am the little voice that whispers “don’t give up”, “keep going” and every other nugget of encouragement and strength that you have to dig deep for.

I am not saying that there is a perfect future ahead of where I am now, I don’t know for sure that even exists. Just yesterday I had a panic attack before work because I wanted to share my good news with mam. I almost searched for her in my phone.

Just like you calling her a thousand times a day to hear her voicemail message, I still long for her to see how we have done.

There is still pain in with the amazing parts of life but I know that we will be okay.

We are one and we are healing.

Hang on in there, Becky, your future is so bright and full of love. You will see.

I love you,

Your future self xxxx

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