I’ve been feeling inauthentic in my blog lately and I think it may show.
This is not to say that I haven’t felt any of what I’ve written about or that any of it is untrue but it’s not really what I originally had in mind when I started my blog and it’s not representative of how I feel daily. I feel I’ve tried to mould myself into every other self love blogger- my heart goes out to all of you and I love who you are and what you do but my story is not the same as a lot of yours.
I started my blog to make self love accessible to all, yes, but my main aim was a bit more niche than that.
It was to provide hope to people who have grown up similarly to me; lacking in money, in foster care, absent father, mentally ill mother (to recap my younger years).
I started out wishing that I could break the stigmas still attached to the sort of child that I was. If you were one of these children then this blog is for you, to tell you this should never hold you back from being (and loving) your true self.
If you are the type of teenager/ young adult that I was; feeling unworthy of love, dealing with so much at home that you couldn’t make getting educated work for you any more, turning to sex/ alcohol/ drugs to fill a void then this blog is for you.
To the people with eating disorders because it’s all they feel they can control in their life. To the people who let abusive people “love” them because they feel it’s the only love they can get. To the people who have little/ no self esteem. To the people suffering with mental illness. To the people managing their mental illness. To the rape/ sexual abuse survivors. To the people left behind by suicide. To the people that have never thought they could amount to anything.
THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
I AM YOU.
It’s not a rags to riches story that we see all the time and it’s not a sob story that I want you to pity. This is my life. These are my stories and they no longer hold me back.
As a child, I sat with the catalogues cutting out happy families and sticking them in houses I’d drawn/ pieced together from the catalogue. I was scrapbooking a life very similar to the one I have. I didn’t care about having all the money in the bank or status. I wanted to be happy, I wanted love, I wanted security and I wanted a home of my own. I am living my childhood dream and it’s about time I honoured that properly.
I am not about to start dwelling on my background because that’s not me and I don’t think dwelling is healthy. I am also not about to blame my background for anything.
I am, however, going to accept and honour these parts of me; the darkness within and the dreams I have realised.
I’ve been acting lately like this doesn’t exist, like I breezily love myself every day and that it’s easy. Some days it is easy, I won’t lie about that.
Some days it’s really, really hard because I am that lost little girl sitting in front of my scrap books and trying to turn them into my life.
So, welcome to (back to) my blog. This is what you can expect from now on- the good with the bad and always honouring the child I was (and still am).
I hope you stick with me if you have been here a while.