For those of you who don’t know, I am getting married in just over six months! We have even done the biggest parts of the planning. As someone who has a huge fear of abandonment, I am actually in awe that we are at this point with no real jitters and no self-sabotage (from either side).
Getting engaged and planning a wedding isn’t all I expected it to be, especially getting married at 30 and 40 years old. Let me explain;
The good surprises
· A proposal that is done right and completely out of love is the most mind-blowing thing. I got a lot more emotional, and interruptive, than I expected. So did he. *Engagement story here*
· People are very, very nice to Brides to be – want an ego boost? Go and try on a wedding dress or two! Also, there is no shame in excitedly telling people about the proposal- people generally love it! (especially married women…)
· Planning a wedding yourself isn’t the biggest stress of getting married – you control it all.
The bad surprises
· The “Monica” feeling, aka. I am never going to have a first kiss, first date etc… with someone new again. I can tell you honestly that there is no one else that I actually want that with, but, this is some huge, scary stuff that nobody really mentions is a real feeling. Unless you broach it first or you happen to watch that episode of Friends.
· The divide an invite list can cause. I’ve been mostly lucky with this. There is only one person I have said “Don’t come then!” to for complaining about others on the guest list. (General rule for me is “if you’re the one to complain about someone being there, you are the one I can’t trust to be civil”)
· The absolute minefield of whether or not to invite kids, and if so, whose are coming. Also, the navigation of people having/ starting families and negotiating the hen do away from other peoples anniversaries, holidays, kids birthdays, etc. (Top tip: ask for a surprise and let your bridal party organise it! 😉)
· MONEY! Planning the wedding really isn’t the most stressful part, paying for it is! We are managing this by paying as we go and not paying extra for unnecessary things or people. Keep your eyes on the prize – gaining a husband/ wife. Everything else is a bonus.
Another big thing nobody told me would happen is the sheer panic every time we have so much as a slight tiff. The panic of “oh my god, this is the day that my Fiancé changes his mind!” and occasionally the moment of panic that I, in fact, may change my mind one day. This doesn’t feel likely to me at all but in the occasional moment of rage or in the moments I feel unlovable these sabotaging thoughts do pop up.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing as it makes me keep an eye on those feelings and keeps us both communicating about where we are at. Something that puts us in very good stead for our marriage, I hope.
It’s funny because I’ve been watching Love is Blind on Netflix this week and have been trying to work out whether G and I would have worked under those circumstances. The romantic in me says yes but the realist doubts it. Getting engaged and then married isn’t something I would personally want to rush (now that I am experiencing it in the best way for me).
I don’t really hold on to the expectations that things will change when we are married, I hope for the most part they don’t. The bit that the ‘unlovable’ side of me is loving so far and hoping to feel more of in marriage is that complete security. The feeling of ‘this is my forever human’.
Finally, my biggest learning so far has been something so obvious… We are not only joining two families, we are creating a third, sacred little family of our own. Just us two. I didn’t register that that was possible without having children. (I know!! What?!?) It is though, it’s just as valid a family as any other type and that’s the draw.
Let’s see what I learn in the next six months, eh?
Are you married/ getting married? What were your biggest learnings?
Self Preservation to Self Love 